Ruby.

alone i walked..
a long day it had been.
i carried a long face
that said it all
frustration.boredom.meaningless living
but then i saw you..
and you made all this go away
and then nothing in this world
seemed to matter anymore
just that innocent smile of yours.

I did not have friends
no one special to talk to.
but all that never mattered
because i had you
and that charming face of yours
and the times we played together
in that small peaceful world we lived in
I'll miss that beautiful face of yours

life will keep on going on.
summer will come and go..
and autumn will never cease to amaze us.
But it will never be the same without you
I'll miss those eyes of yours
that could say a million things
You made me the person i am today.
made me believe in unconditional love
when love itself seemed deceitful.
I don't think i ever imagined a world without you
but i guess life was never intended
to be a fairy tale..
with a happy ending...

At last i guess i need to thank you..
for showing me what goodness is ..
for telling me with those eyes of yours..
everything is going to be all right..
it's all going to be all right..
we all are going to be all right..
I guess I'll never be the same without you..
But in the end..end of it all..
i hope i was able to love you enough..
Hope you had the time of your life..


(In loving memory of my first dog..the prettiest dog in the world..Ruby...I'll really miss her..she's the one who uncomplicated life for me to say the least...i hope she finds peace up there)

I Don't Know What To Do With Myself

i don't know what to do with myself..
just happens that i'm boored as ever..
even a snow flake takes millions
of years to pass me by..
its getting cold..
so cold its hard to breathe..
passiveness is the submissive truth..
i don't know what to do with myself.

it getting too hard..
to hard to see the world evolve..
change is an inevitable reality..
as i lay isolated..
ignorance was never a bliss..
clouds seem hard to pass by..
wind is freakishly deceptive..
as moonlight takes over
as times change..
people are changing..
i just don't know what to do with myself.

Boredom is the highest hierarchy
confinement is just its slave.
as degrading lifestyle prospers..
silent whispers of the rustling leaves..
seasons never did cease to change..
neither did the waves...
hitting my boat..
making it give up to its ominous strength.
as i still stand against all the winds..
looking away from change.
deifying the turbulence of the ocean.
these are brimming tears of joy.
or maybe not
I don't know what to do with myself

staring down at a bottomless pond
hoping to see a life form.
someone who can hear me out
without sentimental judgement
because that is all there is left
of this world...
looking out of the window..
staring at the dim sunset.
as the last golden rays leave
this place..
loneliness is all there is to it..
i hope people find love..
because life in the end..
is one ride that everybody needs
to take alone..
some have figured it out..
for the rest.
time will be their immaculate master..
I don't know what to do with myself

Let's Burn The Midnight Oil

(while pulling all-nighters)

Crumpling eyes..
Drooping eyelids..
degenerative consciousness..
swaing mind..
with a profound sickness.
these are tough times
looking down at a long night..
sunrise is for the weak..
-------------------------------
Why is this so difficult?
focus mind..focus..
nicotine..do your thing
I'll never divorce caffeine..
just let me get through this night
let me redeem myself
-------------------------------
Insomnia wrapping me slowly
around itself
Let's burn the midnight oil
late hours of awakening..
goddamn soul searching..
words playing around
in front of me.
But sleep is for the weak
but dazed and confused is what
i am.
Give me knowledge
Give me re-awakening
Something for my eternal gratification
give me a ray of hope
A better tomorrow
As this night is getting
harder and harder to get through
Let's burn the midnight oil.

(PS-i almost passed out while writing this)

Tell Me Where It Hurts

tell me where it hurts..
coz i know now..
now i know..
i really do.
i've seen it all..
just all there is to it..
a life without love.
love without compassion..
compassion without any passion..
and sickly enough..
i liked it at first..
but things are so different now..
everything is so clear now..
i see how it's really supposed to be now..
i can finally begin to see who you really are now..
just tell me where it hurts..
i want out now...
its not fun anymore..
it's just not..
bleed like me..
and see what the world has turned into now..
scared truth meets demented reality..
meaningless conversations..
schizophrenia engulfing us all..
self-doubt is all that there is..
just tell me where it hurts..
the mirror is no more a mere reflection..
the people are not what they used to be..
life is not as beautiful as it used to be..
i am not the person i used to be..
tell me where it hurts...

(random)


------------------------------------------------------------------
Are you blindly optimistic..even overoptimistic...coz if the answer to that is yes..
which i doubt..but even so..then you've really got a lot to learn..i mean..yeah..being pessimistic has never solved anything either..you know..the kind of people who name their pessimism as realism..that has never helped anyone either..but then again..neither has this..
coz at the end of it all..life is not a ride in the park...or a silent walk along the sea shore...it's turbulent at times..and the beauty of it all is that some times..very few..but just some times..it's so wonderful that it makes you forget all the dark memories and the deceitful past..all the harsh realities that you had to face from time to time..that's just the way it is..no questions asked...that's life for you..

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Are you one of those people who just loves animals..loves dogs..for one..
Coz i am..

But you know if you think 'bout it..what is that we love so much about them..
its their blind faith and love in us..that they instill in us..because no matter who you are..what you are..what you've become ..how the world looks upon you..for them..you'll always be their loved one...so much so..that they'll even die by your side if they have to..thats the beauty of it all...thats unconditional love for you..thats where the thick line that differentiates and makes us human comes into play..thats love for you..so lemme ask you this..
have you ever been loved..so much so that you want come home and want to forget everything bad that has happened to you that day?


if not..you know now what to do now...
------------------------------------------------------------------

(Random thoughts killing me inside...everyday)


where am i?
coz this is not even close to the place
where i always imagined myself to be...
who is the person is see..
coz its getting too dark..
too dark to see..
i can't even recognise
the blank face in the mirror..
distorted reality or blinfolded truth..
i don't even know the difference anymore..
so much shit's been happening lately
i don't even know where i'm headed to anymore..
-------
like the kite..
who soared high up in the sky..
blinded by its faith in the wind..
and deceived by the high promising sky..
and lost its way in between...
clouded by doubt and utter confusion..
left alone in the now dark windy sky..
--------
But it wasn't always like this..
there was time when i saw hope..
beleived in destiny..
never gave up on blind optimism..
------
But all that's long gone now..
misery and suffering is all i see..
having thrown away my destiny
with hopelessness, sarcasm and pessimism
deep into my system now
long gone is the guiding white light..
i once used to feel inside me..
linking my soul to the now extinct wayful destiny..
a lost soul in the darkest of times
meaningless existence.
screaming infedelities..
broken wings..
rotting inside..
painful silence...
Karma is long gone...
....


(end of thought)

Internal Conflict!!

Restlessness yet numbness.failure.stomp!.i smoke.walk alone.shit happens!.get it out

Weakness.immobility.I fail.arghh!.break a glass.scream!.smoke.walk alone.try to get it out.

perfect morning.good things are finally going to happen.that's the way it's supposed to be.I fail.why me?.I smoke.Loose all control.walk alone furiously judging Him harshly.hysterical moments.i can't get it out anymore.

It's been some time.May be there is a ray of hope.maybe life has grey patches after all.it's a beautiful day.things finally looking up.I fail.I smoke.get zonked.arghh!.volatile fury is what this is.break anything i see.I can't do this anymore.arghh!.stomp!.*sound of things breaking narrating a story of it's own*.

Maybe it's not Worth it anymore!!

Technicality..

i hate you..everything about you...as you creep into our omnious souls..breed and feed on rat-race that defines who we our in these troubled times...Simplicity and complexity go hand in hand now..
An analogue guy stuck in a digital world is what i am..
I hate it..it's spoiled the very essence of life...patience is facing a slow degrading death that's worse than cancer as it slowly parts ways with the human race...
as we look forward to the future..forgetting how wonderful our past was...and how great our present could have been...slipping away from the memory lane...
goodbye patience..
you were an endearing trait to have indeed...
you will be missed...

Suttle Numbness

Boulevard of broken dreams as the song goes

Is what it seemed to be.......

Watching silently all I ever wished to become

Go up on smoke as its beautifully circled around me..

As I watched myself puff the last drag out..

Take it in and let the nicotine do it’s thing is what they say

And then let there be light...

But all i witnessed was burning desire go up in ashes

As i sinfully waste my life away

With all my past mistakes haunting me..

Hitting me like the angry waves

Of shimmering dark waters

Images of your life flicker by your eyes

They say..

But I wasn’t dead...not even close

But slowly dying from within

With every passing moment...

Slow inner degradation is what this is...

Fading vision...pain starting to seep in

Is this what they call dying?

If so, then my time has come

Carrying the burden of having made a million mistakes

Being an err of a person

Having led an ever selfish life..

Blinded by which i lost my way..

Path that promised to show me truth..

And lead me to my destiny

Is this what He planned for me?

Coz fate has got me pretty bad..

Like an injured bird i lay there

Trying to figure out where i went wrong..

And feeling sorry for myself

Waiting for the scavengers to hover around

Any time soon..

Soon enough..

And to be torn apart into peices..

With my eyes narrating the painful story..

Called my life..

Sublime numbness is what I endear..

The passing wind..

Is the only thing..

I feel, breathe and see..

Good memories were they indeed..

Nostalgic moments is what is left of them

But it’s time to let go

Fear is just the beginning and utter darkness

The end..end end of this saga

The end of me

The journey’s been like a movie..

Except after the ending..

There will be no credits..

No one to thank as such..

Just a blank screen...with an anonymous identity

No song that brings tears to one’s eyes or that’s cheerful

Just plain silence...

And the sound of rustling of leaves..

And a bright screen that follows...

White light..

So bright..

It’s starts to hurt....

quit!..before it gets too dark

quit now..or stay in this sublime numbness forever
quit..before the sun stops shining
before the wind stops blowing
and the moon stops glowing

coz' quitting is what
i have always done..
as the glowing path
leading towards my destiny
has started to fade away
slowly yet making its presence
very clear..

some wise-ass said
"winners never quit"
somebody lied...
and very truthfully so..
is there only white and black..
two sides to this strange little mystery called life
or is there an infinite grey..
that transcends even to the slightest
human emotion
is there destiny that links us not..
and not giving up being an integral part..
or is it just fate that leads us
to our ultimatum..

becoz quit is all i can do..
as this life takes on unexpected turns..
one after the other..
with no seemingly possible exit..
do i leave or do i stay?
the question that's almost been bugging me since a lifetime
or atleast so it seems..
do i adhere to my co-existence..
as the time freezes by...
to let me know that darkness is going
to be sweeping past me my..
the "exit" sign is all is see..
do i quit or do i stay?